Fake blogging the iPhone 4

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apple-wwdc10_502While Steve Jobs was onstage at Apple's World Wide Developers' Conference (WWDC) in San Francisco this morning, announcing the new iPhone 4, we techies on Twitter were, of course, typing furiously. Those commenting on his keynote speech used the #wwdc "hashtag" to identify the topic.

But there were a few of us, spurred by Glenn Fleishman, who wrote snarky commentary as if we were attending the event, using the #fakewwdc hashtag (in the spirit of Fake Steve Jobs).

If you're into that sort of insanely in-joke nerdery, here are selections from my "Fake WWDC" tweets, roughly following the chronology of the real announcements, to be imagined in Steve Jobs's voice:

  • "Exclusively on iPhone, Farmville will subsidize you heavily if you grow only corn for high-fructose syrup production."
  • "iPhone 4 is so thin it actually has negative thickness, and is only visible in four-dimensional space. Hence the name."
  • "iPhone 4's new screen has pixels so dense, the display is a rectangular black hole, something physicists told us was impossible. Suck it, physics!"
  • "We called it Retina Display because it's now just as bright as the surface of the Sun, and will sear your retina accordingly."
  • "The new built-in gyroscope lets you ride your iPhone like a Tilt-a-Whirl. I've personally measured a time-to-vomit of less than 30 seconds!"
  • "Following iPhone 4's new HD movie recording capability, we've partnered with Panavision on a full-harness Steadicam and rack-focus cinematography rig for iPhone 4 video. It weighs only 85 pounds."
  • "We've completely automated iMovie for iPhone. So much that you can't actually record your own footage, but who needs that?"
  • "Sure, iMovie for iPhone looks great, but alas, it uses private APIs and crashes a lot, so we've been forced to reject it from the App Store."
  • "iOS 4 bypasses multitasking for RetinaTasking™, which is like the Retina Display, but for tasks. No, I don't get that either."
  • "The iPhone 4 gyroscope also enables it to feel heavier and heavier as you buy more iBooks."
  • "Our proudest iAd brand by far is Glenn Beck's Goldline, integrated right into your app! What? Why is everyone leaving? Hello?"
  • "My engineers backstage have just developed an EMP-generating worldwide Wi-Fi kill switch, which I will now use. ZZZZZT!" (NOTE: Freakishly, Glenn tweeted something almost identical at the same time. Spooooky.)
  • "The iPhone 4 camera's digital zoom automatically plays Bob and Doug McKenzie saying 'zoom in on me, eh?'"
  • "One more more thing: iPhone 4 comes in black, white, and blwite, a new colour we invented (which is NOT grey), for $75 extra."

You can read the entire stream everyone wrote (including some posts in what I think were Tagalog) on Twitter. Most of the others were funnier than mine.

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