27 June 2007


Let's put it this way

The big picture has not changed since yesterday, but we're moving on. Raging torrents of information continue to flood in from the medical staff. I had an ultrasound probe and met with my surgeon Dr. Phang today. My operation is currently tentatively scheduled for July 13.

It is possible that, in the long run (whatever that means under my current circumstances), I may yet regain some use of my anal sphincter, rather than needing a permanent colostomy bag, but I'll have a temporary one no matter what. It is also possible that one of my kidneys might need to be removed, or maybe my ureter (which has cancer stuck to it) will just be shortened. Those things are the new ideas to me today, although neither is either guaranteed or impossible. So maybe, maybe not. I see a urologist next Tuesday about the kidney thing.

There's a lot of that right now. Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe the guy who just started his lawnmower outside at 8:15 bloody p.m. on a Wednesday night will come to his senses and shut it off. Or maybe not.

Maybe the surgery and future chemotherapy and other treatments will put the cancer cells at bay and I will live another few decades. Or maybe not.

There's a strange clarity in not knowing for sure. We all live that way, I guess, I'm just more directly aware of it than most of you. In many people's lives—and mine too—there are risks. Risks of car crashes and flesh-eating bacteria and falls in the bathtub and deployments to Afghanistan and mountain-climbing accidents and earthquakes and tsunamis and accidental electrocution and choking on chicken bones. And aggressive cancer.

These bodies of ours are fragile things, and amazing things. Here's to keeping my jalopy running for awhile yet.

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Here's to it.
Yeah buddy...here's to keepin the 'ol jalopy runnin...You cant see it but Im raising a glass to you. We love you Derek...Fight like a bad ass MF...know what Im sayin?---TJ

I, along with your many friends in EAC, look forward to your recovery and having you back among us as soon as possible. We miss you terribly. You're always at the top of our thoughts.

I've followed your blog faithfully and been cheered on many of my own lacklustre days by your wit and candour. The breadth of your interests and expertise is breathtaking, as is the number of people you've touched, even apart from your illness.

Your godless comrade,

keep it running man.
Damn cancer. F-in cancer. I have lost too many people to it, and now you. You who I don't know. Just happened upon your blog from Scobelizer, and now I have tears in my eyes from reading your posts. Bollocks to cancer, that damn cuss.
We love you Derek
Yeah, dude. I lik the way you are talking. Maybe yes, maybe not. No fears of failure or success.
You have so much love in your life, anything you need,,anything you want..we are there for you. You are so kind and so good and such a wonderful daddy..I feel you are going to be ok..I know you are..all these positive thoughts will work...Much much love to you Airdrie, Marina, Lauren, Papa Karl and Mimi Hilkka...We love you...Sirkka
A toast to the rattle in your jalopy! L'chaim!
I also found you via Robert Scoble's blog and agree with sarah thompson above. F-n cancer.

I have nothing to say that won't sound trite, except that in this vast community that is the Internet, prayers are going your way from our little niche in California.
Yesterday's post broadsided me emotionally. I had a hard time in the morning thinking about the turn of events in your life and the change in tone on your blog.

And then it hit me. I have met so many people that were given their walking papers by the medical establishment -- so many people who were told to wrap-up their affairs and prepare themselves and their family for the worst with a six-month limit. And, twenty years later, they're as active and energetic as they were in their youth.

My hope is that one day I can perform as you do you survivor lap at the Relay for Life.
Just catching up (after my MacBook broke this week). I'm surprised and sad - and agreeing with Mark above that I hope I see you run that survivor lap. Hugs to all of you.
derek i know you from your wife's podcast and your help with building websites. wishing you good vibrations from this universe.
Just wanting to send some more good vibes and a little more love your way - while it feels bleak and terrible today, I have a great sense that you will survive this and still thrive in life despite whatever challenges you have to face each day - it's only one life and we are still blessed that we get to choose our attitudes in how we live each moment - make the most of everyday with your great friends and family. Now you must really use your mind and your heart to fight these rogue cells and imagine them all gone.

All my best to you Derek...

With love and respect,

I just wish this were something that could be defeated by the force of will of your friends. If that were the case we would kick it's ass SO hard.
I wish, I could help you.

Derek, a friend and I were just discussing Paul DeLay and Curtis Salgado last night. Who would've thought the person needing a liver transplant would be still be here? Never can tell.
Hey Derek,

sorry to hear the news. Hope your engine keeps running for a long time.

This is an old book, may be newer stuff from him but you might want to check out this book by oncologist Dr. Bernie S. Siegel.

He talks about the people were only given a short time to live by their doctor and ended up lasting a lot longer in some cases still living. he tries to find some common patterns in those people

Love, Medicine and Miracles: Lessons Learned about Self-Healing from a Surgeon's Experience with Exceptional Patients https://www.amazon.ca/Love-Medicine-Miracles-Self-Healing-Exceptional/dp/0060919833/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/702-7104418-9639266?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1183178569&sr=8-1
My thoughts are with you. Thank you for your courageous words.
friend...I can nt understand why when the treatement is not working....why don't you look for alternative therapies....why when "science" is not working it is easely accepted>
good luck for you, you are brave
It's been a long time since I wrote this post, and much has changed. My main tumours have been removed surgically, I'm back on chemo for the lung metastases, and I hope that the new regime will help deal with them. I also feel a LOT better.

I am examining alternatives, but those that have the best evidence behind them are the kind that should wait until after I have finished the chemo.